Nothing to Fix Here
Photo by Robert Collins on Unsplash
I have been interested of late in my unwavering confidence as a child. I was full of myself in the best possible way. I was short, and truly believed that was better - being small was helpful in wriggling through crowds, in manoeuvring my way around. I have red hair, and never once did I see that as a problem - I loved my hair! Loved that it linked me with Anne of Green Gables, loved that it was unique. I even remember being proud when my family referred to me as stubborn. I was sure that being stubborn was a good thing, a signifier of character. I was self-possessed. Innocently proud. Confident. I’m sure I was bossy and annoying, too, but no need to dwell on that.
While I have never become insecure about any of the above-mentioned aspects, insecurity has certainly had its moments in my life. I hit puberty, after all. Doubts about my looks suddenly crept in around 14, people-pleasing tactics grew stronger, fear of rocking the boat took hold. The feeling of not being enough insidiously crept in while I was busy growing up. It took up residence and I made room for it, shape-shifted to accommodate it, barely noticing I had done so. It hung around for a long time, unnoticed, but directing things from behind the curtain until, suddenly, at some point, I recognized what was going on, flung open the curtain and exposed that little gremlin for what it was.
Now, as I grow older, I find I am becoming more self-possessed again. Returning to that youthful confidence. Owning who I am, loving myself more. I find it interesting that we so often pathologize our qualities. Look at who we are as wrong, a problem needing to be worked on. We are forever measuring ourselves against standards that somebody else has set, often finding ourselves falling short, working on “improving” ourselves, striving to change to fit in with these standards, and criticizing ourselves when we don’t.
According to the internet, we should all be fit and thin and beautiful and have a gaggle of close friends we hang out with all the time as well as a perfect spouse who showers us with love and affection as well as a perfect home that is decorated with an ever-changing array of the latest beautiful home goods. We should cook amazing meals, exercise daily, have a perfect butt, go out to brunch, and dinner, and the pumpkin patch, and for cocktails, and belong to a book club, and have a thriving online business, and be rich, and travel to incredibly beautiful places, and, and, and. We should be extroverts, shouting about our breakfasts and daily outfit from the Instagram rooftops.
And yet.
I am not like that. You, quite possibly, are not like that either. I like quiet, I like solitude, I like home. I love friends and family and gatherings, but not too often, thank you very much. I like getting together with one or two people at a time. My home is not instagrammable, my outfits don’t change very much at all, and my weight has had its good moments and its bad moments (good lately thank you to Fuel for Fat Loss), and I am sometimes ok with that, and sometimes not.
What if we practiced being innocently proud of who we are? Quiet and introverted, or boisterous and extroverted, what if we embraced who we feel best as, instead of tried to bend ourselves to fit into some other form? I am happy to be a homebody, making soup on the weekends instead of out at a club. I see it as evidence of wisdom, (and also, age, ha!). Evidence of me being who I am.
Love yourself. Listen to your inner wisdom. Tap back into the knowingness and confidence you held as a child, embrace it and shout it from the rooftops, or whisper it from your cozy bed to nobody but yourself.
There is no-one you need to be, nothing you need to accomplish, nothing you have to get done in order to feel good about yourself. You need only to accept who you are, all of who you are, to feel better now. You need only to decide that the way you are is a-ok. Have compassion for yourself, forgive yourself, and love yourself. Does this mean I don’t believe in self-improvement? Not at all. I simply believe that the most authentic and lasting form of self-improvement comes from a place of acceptance and love of self. Trying to re-shape ourselves into an image someone else told us is “best” results in cramped muscles and discomfort. Instead, let’s blossom into the most fully realized version of our own unique self.
If you’re interested in coaching with me to learn more about how to regain your confidence and free yourself from limiting beliefs, read more about it here, or contact me for a free consultation.
